hopefully this year is gonna be a positively eventful year for me.

sometimes i really do wonder why all of us are never honest to the people around us.

we go on and on about sayings such as "there are things better left unsaid"

why? just to prevent the other person from getting hurt?

then what about ourselves? we deserve to be hurt/angry/pissed/mindfucked just to prevent smone else from getting hurt?

it's not that I'm selfish thinking this way. I think I DESERVE to be selfish.

if I was honest with everything I say, probably no one would be on my side. but guess what, at least I'm honest. Not like the hypocrites that live in this world.

talk about maturity. guess what those who talk about it doesn't mean they actually understand a shit about it. it's all shit ass talk.

yes, selfish for not doing smth for you. but hey, wonder who's childish enough to be so angry that he throws away the food into the bin? seriously just fuck off. try me really. at least i dont go on and on about it. fucking childish shit.

i declare that i live in a crackpot house. i have enough seriously. im just waiting patiently for my time.

it's prolly bcos of the movie we watched: 'New Year's Eve'

it made me think about certain feelings i've been pushing away lately

probably bcos i don't want to get upset over something i cant solve by myself

i feel that the more accomplished you are the lonelier you get.

i dont think i'm the only one who feels this way

bet there are billions out there

but it's sad that i'm already feeling this way when i'm not even 18 yet

i wish i could enjoy my youth a lil much more than i do right now

hell, i swear i think i'm really at a good stage of my life & probably there are some who are jealous over the type of lifestyle i have

but hey, maybe you should realise that i am jealous as well over the lives of other ppl

i wish i was given a chance to make mistakes; not trying to always be a perfectionist

i wish i was given a chance to screw around, doing stupid things that i'll never regret

right now, as to how much ive faced more than others, im not happy with my life

i may have friends and family but you know, i still feel lonely as hell

do tell me why...

never once have i felt bliss in my entire life

life is unfair ppl say... fuck. i would like to say that my life is unfair-ER than anybody else in this world.

it's a stupid fking life that i live in.

I think this semester has been a crazy one for me.

i was always rushing for my assignments.

& recently i just had a nervous breakdown/exam anxiety for 3 straight days

barely could sleep till after my management exam

PHEW !

i've been feeling this the past few days.

the feeling of being lonely.

it's not that I had no one to talk to. i was avoiding everyone.

it's like when you have nothing left in this world that you hold dearly anymore.

my life right now i can probably equate it to nothingness.

it's a lil sad whenever i ask myself why things ended up this way

i tried telling people how i feel but, you know they won't get it

i envy people who wake up and have something new that they are gonna face that day

i wake up and the only thing that would be new is whether i decide to shower first or turn on my laptop to check on updates

it really feels like my life is really at the pathetic end

DAMN ! i didnt mean to be so emo right here.

but, i just had to unload at a place where I don't have to listen to people's comments

and end up listening to their stories

im not being selfish but i think it makes me jealous that they have new stories to share

and it makes me sick that i have none to share

i think that's the reason why im trying to avoid a lot of people

please do try to understand me or at least pretend you do

alright, i'm off to bed. hopefully i'll wake up with a new resolution to my life.

goodnight world~

it's been hard to talk to people lately. cos no one fully understands each other or even the lack of communication is making everyone drift apart.

i dk if anyone feels this way before but its like there's so much to tell to smone. but when you start the conversation you just dont feel like saying anything anymore. I really do want to share. but yeah, there's just too much things happening arnd me. i cnt seem to say everything or tell everything.

oh well let me at least write a nice short poem that ive thought a few moments ago

what you say may not be what you feel

sometimes you wonder whether there is a need to stay real

you have to face every single day with a heart made out of steel

which requires a lot of practice and skill

i'm so bored with my everyday routine

ahh man right now, i'm dreading for a thrill

haha oh well. i feel a lil better attempting on this one. maybe i shld write once in awhile.

it's been tiring lately. getting involved with schwork and school events. but, look on the brighter side this week is the last week before my mid-semester break.

I didn't particularly do well with all my schwork this time round. And yes, of course, I'm really upset abt it. I'm gonna start doing my work and probably full force for this last week then, slack alil next week and then continue to work hard the week after till the END.

I've been thinking of a lot of things lately. Well, it's not just lately more of like FOREVER thinking about really heavy topics. This is probably because there are a bunch of SP students here for some EXCHANGE program for 6 weeks. They are nice people but the thing is, they've been questioning my lifestyle that I've been living for the past 1 n 3/4 years which actually really makes me wonder about all the things that I've been always sweeping under the rug.

Life is seriously too unfair for me. I feel guilty when I do bad stuff but, the thing is I think I do deserve to cut some slack. I have enough of certain things trying to pull away from it but, there's always something that pulls me back to looking into it again. WHY? well, I dk. Maybe it's just me. I just think too much. I get tired from all these thoughts. I need a break. but, i think the only way to have a break is to be brain dead.

Hmm, I'm just a lil too depressed here in this post. or maybe for the past few posts too. Maybe I'm really lonely. In fact, I know I'm lonely just that I've been avoiding it for awhile now. DAMN...

and yes, too many things happened to me.

But, I guess the most drastic thing that happened to me recently is that I finally can move on from the whole 'abandoned' situation and forgive whoever that brought me to the state that I was in.

Probably I'm back to my old self where I can easily socialise with people without really thinking about whether I can trust them anymore. I'm a lot more cheerful in some ways too.

But, here's the thing. I feel really really incomplete. Despite the crazy amount of work I have, I feel very unsatisfied to the point that I feel pretty mentally tired. I just want to sleep and dream about things that would never happen to me in real life. I'm just wondering whether I'm trying too hard to actually make myself think that I'm happy. I seriously hope not.

I hope I can find some form of solution to this heavy feeling in my heart. Bcos honestly, it's getting annoying. It's bringing me down because I keep thinking of stupid things that I did in the past that I regret. I keep thinking about what's happening around me that I wish I was never part of. I keep thinking of my stupid ass brother who can't seem to act right. Seriously, I've drawn a line between my problems and another person's problems. But, it's because of this stupid heart, I can't simply just leave it. It's so hard. Like really, it's to the point that I want to carve it out and leave it out somewhere to dry first and then put it back in after I'm ready to face it.

Currently, I have an assignment due this coming Monday and Friday. I'm doing quite a lot of reading for Monday assignment. But, I get really distracted with my own thoughts that I can't seem to function well. I think I'm gonna turn in now and wake up at 6 am later to finish my work. Wish me luck people. Hopefully I'll be able to get over it after sleeping and dreaming.

haishhhhhh........ (I seriously need to stop sighing)

janeh~

so many things happened that i'm wondering whether i can actually list down everything in one post

let's just see how much i feel like posting today.

for starters, it's doris's b'day today. Happy 18th ! she's legal now and officially older than me.

hope she had a good day today.

its currently my swot-vac period. but honestly, its really hard to concentrate. im really way behind what i planned for my swot-vac timetable. i gotta finish my 2000 words take home assignment asap. and then start preparing for the other subjects.

other than that school has been great for me the past few weeks.

uni's really hard. harder than what i thought. and it made me think abt a lot of things about my life. im really at a stage where im trying to let go of my past and move forward. it gets really annoying when suddenly in the middle of the night you just wake up because you had a bad dream of your past. and it made me realise that im still very upset abt my own past that its so hard for me to let go.

i asked myself so many times why i cnt just let it go. forget about it and just see what's present. i never get my answer. but, suddenly today, i realise that i'm very foolish. i realise that it's okay to not be able to just easily forget abt it. bcos what happened then shaped me as to what i am right now. i just need to learn how to accept it better than i used to. and hopefully i can sincerely let go.

anw back to uni, i took 2 weeks off uni in the middle of the sem bcos i had to come back to singapore. my grandmother passed away and till today still is a shock to me. im deeply saddened with the fact that i wasnt able to see my grandmother the last time but i really hope my prayers are able to reach her. rest in peace my dear grandmother.

im currently trying to lose weight and stay healthy and fit by exercising almost everyday. i feel good about exercising really. and i think im slowly losing weight. hopefully, i can achieve the weight so that i can finally look a little more decent rather than just some fat kid running around.

im coming back after my exams are done on the 17th. to just spend some time in singapore for a month. im looking forward to coming back this time and i want to promise myself that i wont think so negatively anymore and look forward to meeting as many people as i can to catch up.

well, i guess that's really the major stuff that happened. i hope everyone is healthy and well. till i blog again then.

janeh~